


Could you love me anyway?

by Francine2869



Category: Sen Çal Kapımı (TV)
Genre: Character Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:00:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28508583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Francine2869/pseuds/Francine2869
Summary: Eda's no stranger to strong emotions - but she's afraid to feel things deeply.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	Could you love me anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> Some thoughts I've had about Eda in her current situation. Written quickly before work so please forgive me for any errors. Title from the beautiful Pink and Chris Stapleton song.

*~*

Eda's had nightmares before. Many times when she was younger she would wake crying from fears never fully resolved and the grief of losing a parent and a family unit that was far too heavy for her small shoulders to carry. It was inevitable that anxiety and stress impacted her daily life and as much as she loved her Aunt and came to rely on her there was always going to be shadows looming behind her. Eda grew up feeling the need to run. Run away from her unhappiness, her loneliness, her anger... Ayfer was a constant source of support but as Eda grew older she realized that her aunt had her own problems to deal with and how much of a sacrifice she had made taking on the raising of her niece. Moving away from her home, leaving family and friends behind... life may not have been perfect before the loss of her brother and sister in law but at her lowest Eda couldn't help feeling guilt that her Aunt's life had been ripped away from her. It was a conversation that Eda never ventured into as it seemed to only bring anger and resentment for Ayfer of the matriarchal heavyweight she had left behind - not fond memories of happiness and favourite places.

Years passed while Eda internalized all her questions and fears, while she curled in on herself only doling out her love to a few trusted friends that had proved their worth over and over again. They were safe, they were her glass cage that kept her protected from the world. And in sheltering under their protection she provided the same for them, knowing from such a young age that life was truly not fair. Her few romantic relationships up to and including Jenk were a facade of emotion - the fact that he was attending school overseas allowed Eda to live everyday imagining the man and the love that she actually wanted to hold. If the flesh and blood man had existed before her everyday there would have been some problem, some reason, some truth that caused them to part long before they actually did. It took running headlong into Serkan Bolat for Eda's eyes to truly open, for her to see the world as it was and not as she'd made it up to be in her mind. For her to take a true look at where she was and where her future was heading. The fact that Serkan had his own strings that kept him tethered to the past tangled them both together and tied her down so that simply closing herself off and floating away was not possible for the first time.

Eda found that in the ensuing increasing moments of true connection she was unable to protect herself from controlling her feelings for the first time in her life. She wasn't enclosed in the trust and protection of her friends, they were within reach but her connection with Serkan was something independant to anything else. Eda had to take her first shaky steps towards the future and she could see Serkan by her side in the long road ahead of her. It wasn't just living day to day as she was accustomed to - suddenly everyday and many moments of each were important, life changing. Suddenly what she said really meant something to someone. Her words had an impact and she couldn't push him aside with trite words and common phrases. She had the ability to truly reach someone with her words and actions and she came to know that it wasn't always a good result. Seeing disappointment and sadness in her Serkan's eyes when she'd always been loved and admired by all for her beauty and kindness made her realize that her opinion and thoughts were worth more to Serkan than anyone else. He wanted to know the real her, warts and all.

Her life today feels like trying constantly to find her balance on the deck of a small boat while the waves batter her from every side. Her own fears instilled in her since childhood, trying to give Serkan what she knew he needed, furthering her dream career, dealing with Efe's disappointing presence in her life, the friction between her Aunt and Aydan Bolat... finding her footing in this new life was treacherous enough without the addition of her grandmothers' heavy weight tipping the scale so that all other concerns fell to the wayside. Sometimes Eda wished she could go back to those precious few last days in her glass case - before Serkan had been ripped away and both their hearts had been broken and Eda had fallen from her idyllic idea of love. She wanted to go back to that first breakfast together and the goosebumps on her skin from his lips simply brushing against her cheek. She wanted to go back to that night on the couch in front of the fireplace because as hard as she'd tried to "photograph" the moment in her mind she could never truly go back. The peace that she'd started to feel evaporated and she'd been left free falling through darkness.

Anger was a safe emotion that she'd grabbed onto - scrambling to feel anything but the lonely emptiness again. So now she feels like every step walking on thin ice - every time her foot slips or something cracks in her vicinity her heart jumps into her throat and she can see giant waves of despair, loss and fear waiting for her under the surface. Simply put - she's terrified. One step the wrong way and her life changes forever. She wishes that the warmth that surrounds her when she holds Serkan's hand was enough for her to forget the uncertainty she stands upon but having lost it once before she knows that the only way to truly cross the abyss is with her eyes open and footsteps sure. So Eda takes her time, takes her journey one step at a time. She can see Serkan reaching out to her from the other side and knows there is safety in his arms and she wishes she was brave enough to run to him but can't lift her heavy feet from the ground.

*~*

**Author's Note:**

> I have pages of writing that I've been trying to edit and sort out but these thoughts were getting in the way. Hopefully I can do a companion piece for Serkan soon.


End file.
